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Literature Text
You've stalked me all my life,
Always hidden just beyond my sight.
A demented phantom that shadowed my every step,
A sickening smile that haunted my dreams,
A harrowing voice that burned within my mind,
A devouring maw that fed upon my fears,
The ever present architect of my imperfect insanity.
But now I've torn your ebon veil asunder;
And shall drag you into the light of judgment.
You took my world,
Now I shall take your life!
So let us burn together, within the fires of eternity,
Till not a trace remains.
Always hidden just beyond my sight.
A demented phantom that shadowed my every step,
A sickening smile that haunted my dreams,
A harrowing voice that burned within my mind,
A devouring maw that fed upon my fears,
The ever present architect of my imperfect insanity.
But now I've torn your ebon veil asunder;
And shall drag you into the light of judgment.
You took my world,
Now I shall take your life!
So let us burn together, within the fires of eternity,
Till not a trace remains.
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This isn't a new poem so much as a remake. Its loosely based on very first poem "Undaunted Enemy" which is already in my gallery. Now, it was harder to rework this then i thought and I'm not completely happy with it so it will be edited several times over the next few weeks. I know it seems dark, but you have to keep in mind that its a remake from my past....and i didn't have a nice past, so it kinda conveys emotions that aren't relevant anymore. (funny story, the original poem got me sent to my old high-schools guidance department, can you tell why lol) This isn't my best work so feel free to rail into it and tell me everywhere i went wrong.
Ok, first and foremost, TENSE! I really feel like i butchered the tense flow here, i think i sifted it in places but I'm not sure, if i did any idea how to fix it?
Next, is it to dark? I feel like its darker then my other works.
Lastly, as always, i want general feedback as to what images this conjures in your minds.
Ok, first and foremost, TENSE! I really feel like i butchered the tense flow here, i think i sifted it in places but I'm not sure, if i did any idea how to fix it?
Next, is it to dark? I feel like its darker then my other works.
Lastly, as always, i want general feedback as to what images this conjures in your minds.
© 2010 - 2024 Zinc-Tails
Comments20
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First off, there's a line about an "ebon veil" and I 'm wondering if that's supposed to be ebony.
The tense is pretty consistent, and the piece is dark but it could be more of a complex darkness.